31 things you will never hear Southern boys say...

31 things you will never hear Southern boys say...  Via my brother Scott, who lives in Virginia Beach, Virginia – sort of in the South...

31. When I retire, I'm movin' north.
30. Oh I wouldn't dare; she's only sixteen.
29. I'll take Shakespeare for $1000, Alex.
28. Duct tape won't fix that.
27. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken with a slice of lime.
26. We don't keep no guns in this house.
25. You can't feed that to the dog.
24. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.
23. Wrestling is fake.
22. We're vegetarians.
21. Do you think my gut is too big?
20. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits, grits, and gravy.
19. Honey, we don't need another dog.
18. Who gives a sh** who won the Civil War?
17. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
15. I just couldn't find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
14. Trim the fat off that steak.
13. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
12. The tires on that truck are too damn big.
11. I've got it all on the C: DRIVE.
10. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
9. My fiancée, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.
8. I've got two cases of Zima iced down for the Super Bowl.
7. Checkmate!
6. She's too young to be wearing that bikini.
5. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.
4. I don't have a favorite football team.
3. Youse Guys.
2. Those cutoffs ought to be a little longer, Betty Mae.

AND THE NUMBER ONE THING THAT YOU WILL NEVER HEAR A SOUTHERN BOY SAY:

1. Nope, no more beer for me. I'm driving a whole busload of us down to help in the Hillary Campaign.

The first one on that list has long fascinated me. I've seen maps showing where people move after retirement, and in fact is is highly unusual for people to move north (as we did!). I've forgotten the exact ratio, but it's on the order of 6:1 in favor of moving toward the south...