Thursday, January 6, 2011
Why Parents Drink...
Via my mom:
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.' With the worst of premonitions, he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.
Dear Dad:
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it' s not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it.
Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.
Love, Your Son John
PS. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I Just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than a Report card That's in my center desk drawer. I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.
Husbands and Wives...
From reader James M.:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Symbolic Reading...
The Republicans are going to read the current version of the U.S. Constitution on the floor of the House today. This is mainly a symbolic gesture to reinforce the notion that the U.S. is a land of laws, not of (powerful) men. It's also an acknowledgment of the role of the Tea Party in the Republican's newly-won majority.
The reaction of the left to this reading is instructive. It's almost entirely negative, ranging from hand-wringing about the cost (that's rich, after the last two years of spendathon!) to entirely predictable snide remarks about the irrelevance of the literal Constitution to governing today.
This symbolic act is a bit like having a powerful flashlight that one can shine into the warren of Congress-critters to illuminate those who see the Constitution as fundamental to our way of governing, and those who would prefer to ignore that pesky, dusty old document.
Bring on that flashlight, Speaker Boehner!
The reaction of the left to this reading is instructive. It's almost entirely negative, ranging from hand-wringing about the cost (that's rich, after the last two years of spendathon!) to entirely predictable snide remarks about the irrelevance of the literal Constitution to governing today.
This symbolic act is a bit like having a powerful flashlight that one can shine into the warren of Congress-critters to illuminate those who see the Constitution as fundamental to our way of governing, and those who would prefer to ignore that pesky, dusty old document.
Bring on that flashlight, Speaker Boehner!
WTF, Japan?
In the early ’90s, Sega held 65% of the US video game console market, had millions of fans, and was considered one of the premier creators of modern gaming entertainment. Today, they are helping you play with your pee. The Japan branch of the multinational company recently announced that they are testing their Toylets male urinal video game at select locations around Tokyo. Toylets uses a pressure sensor located on the back of the urinal to measure the strength and location of your urine stream. A small LCD screen above the urinal allows you to play several simple video games including a simulator for erasing graffiti and a variation on a sumo wrestling match. At the end of a game, the screen displays advertisements.
2011 is a Prime Year...
The number 2011 is a prime number, and it's the sum of 11 consecutive primes:
157 + 163 + 167 + 173 + 179 + 181 + 191 + 193 + 197 + 199 + 211Is that enough geekiness for you on a fine Thursday morning?