My New Toothbrush...

On the advice of my dentist (given a decade or two ago), I finally broke down and bought one of those industrial-strength electric toothbrushes.  I won't mention the make and model, as none of the following is specific to that.

Opening the box was quite an experience.  I expected a motorized handle, a detachable brush head (I knew these wore out and were replaceable), and a charger.  Those were indeed there, but they were just the beginning.  There was an intimidatingly thick manual (it turns out, mainly thick because it's translated into approximately 1,400 languages).  There were 4 AA batteries.  Most mysteriously, there was a heavy, oddly-shaped piece of electronic gear about the size of a pack of cigarettes.  I only knew it was electronic because the front of it had a liquid crystal display.  Then there were assorted mounting brackets, screws, tape, etc.

After a half hour of manual reading and untangling cables, I had it basically figured out.  The toothbrush bit worked about as expected.  The big electronic gadget simply showed you where to brush – it's basically a timer with a hard-to-understand graphic display that allegedly shows you which teeth you should be brushing at any given moment.  This left me wondering (a) what problem they were trying to solve, and (b) what the preceding said about mankind and its future.  Nothing good, I'm sure.

So I let it charge for the prescribed 10 hours, and then it was time to try it.  I'd never used one of these things before, so I really didn't know what to expect.  I rinsed off the brush head, placed a dab of toothpaste on it, inserted the brush into my mouth, and switched it on.

There should have been warnings.  Nowhere in the manual does it warn you about the visual hallucinations that occur when your entire head starts vibrating at 20Hz.  Nor does it warn you about the merciful numbness that quickly ensues, much like the way your hands feel after using a mower or chainsaw for a while.  Likewise, there's no mention of the unmentionable things shaken loose from your mucous membranes by the 350 horsepower vibrations.  And most of all, there's no warning about the mangled, lacerated state of your poor, innocent gums after their first exposure to this infernal machine.

My teeth were nice and clean, though.

I'm going to devote this week to building up enough courage to try it for a second time...