I Get No Respect...

A collection of classic Rodney Dangerfield one-liners:

I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, 'There goes the neighborhood!'

When I was born, I was so ugly that the doctor slapped my mother.

When I started in show business, I played one club that was so far out, my act was reviewed in Field and Stream.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: `Basement?'

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

I never got girls when I was a kid. One girl told me, `Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. There was nobody home.

When I was 3 years old, my parents got a dog. I was jealous of the dog, so they got rid of me.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names — hers and her mother's.

With my wife, I don't get no respect. The other night there was a knock on the front door. My wife told me to hide in the closet.

With my wife, I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand. She lit it.