Short Takes...

Good for some chuckles and ponders... Sent along by Simon M.:

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor...

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• Why do they put braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Lenin's tomb is a communist plot.

• If you don't pay your exorcist will you be repossessed?

• Can an atheist get insurance against acts of god?

• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

• How is it possible to have a "civil" war?

• Does the little mermaid wear an algebra?

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?