Evening Chuckles...

Simi L. passes along this collection of insults and retorts. Most of these I've read before, but they're even better in this highly concentrated form:

The famous exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor:
"If you were my husband I'd give you poison,"
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
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A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "on whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."
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"He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr
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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill
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"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." - Winston Churchill
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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." - Clarence Darrow
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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
"Poor Faulkner. Does he really think big emotions come from big words?" - Ernest Hemingway (about William Faulkner)
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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas
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"He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know." - Abraham Lincoln
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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I appr oved of it." - Mark Twain
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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." - Oscar Wilde
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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend.... if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.
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"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop
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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright
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"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb
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"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson
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"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating
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"There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure." - Jack E. Leonard
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"He has the attention span of a lightning bolt." - Robert Redford (one flash & it's gone.)
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"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." - Thomas Brackett Reed
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"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand
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"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker
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"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain
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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West
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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde
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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
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"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder
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"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening but this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx