Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, “Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
Lillian Carter ("Miss Lillian,” mother of 44th President Jimmy Carter)
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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: “Not good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
Mark Twain
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Don’t go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
Mark Twain
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Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
Mark Twain
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What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce.
Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
Victor Borge
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By all means, marry If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
Groucho Marx
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The male is a domestic animal which, if treated with firmness and kindness, can be trained to do most things.
Jilly Cooper
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
Alex Levine
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Money can’t buy you happiness…but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
Spike Milligan
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What’s the use of happiness? It can’t buy you money.
Henny Youngman
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was “shut up”.
Joe Namath
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Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
Herbert Henry Asquith
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
WC Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
Will Rogers
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Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
Winston Churchill
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It may be true that life begins at fifty, but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
Phyllis Diller
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The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
Unknown
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
Billy Crystal
