Welcome to Maine

I spent many of my childhood summers at a family “camp” in Maine — a small cabin on the side of Long Pond near the town of Lincoln, north of Bangor. For those of you who haven’t been to Maine: what they call a “pond” would in most states be called a lake, and in Southern California would certainly be honored as a National Park. What they call a “lake” would be classified as “oceanic” by most folks.

But I digress. I have many fond memories of Maine and its inhabitants. When I received the following piece, it rang true enough to make me laugh out loud…

From the Maine Department Of Tourism

Maine seems to be on everyone’s vacation wish list. Hence the slogan on Maine license plates, “Vacationland.” This list of rules will be handed to each person entering the state. Vehicles with New Jersey, New York and Connecticut plates will receive two copies:

1. That slope shouldered farm boy you are snickering at did more work before breakfast than you will do all week at the gym.

2. It’s called a “gravel road.” No matter how slowly you drive, you’re going to get dust on your BMW. I have a four wheel drive because I need it. Now drive or get it out of the way.

3. We all started hunting and fishing when we were nine years old. Yeah, we saw Bambi. We got over it.

4. Any references to “corn fed” when talking about our women will get your butt kicked…by our women.

5. Pull your pants up, and turn your hat around. You look like an idiot.

6. If that cell phone rings while a bunch of mallards are making their final approach, we will shoot it. You might hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time!

7. No, there’s no “Vegetarian Special” on the menu. Order steak. Order it rare. Order a two pound lobster and steamers. Or, you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.

8. Yeah, we have sweet tea. It comes in a glass with two packets of sugar and a long spoon.

9. You bring Coke into my house, it better be brown, wet, and served over ice.

10. So you have a sixty-thousand dollar car. We’re real impressed. We have quarter-million dollar skidders to pull logs out of the woods.

11. Let’s get this straight. We have one stoplight in town. We stop when it’s red. We may even stop when it’s yellow.

12. Our women hunt, fish, and drive trucks because they want to. So, you’re a feminist. Isn’t that cute.

13. Yeah, we eat lobster, scallops, clams and haddock too. If you really want sushi and caviar, it’s available at the bait shop.

14. They are pigs and they are cows. That’s what they smell like. Get used to it. Don’t like it? Interstate 95 & Maine Turnpike go two ways....get on the Southbound Lane!

15. “Opening day” refers to the first days of fishin' and deer season'. They are religious holidays. You can get breakfast at the church.

16. So what if every person in every pickup waves? It’s called being friendly. Understand the concept?

17. Yeah, we have golf courses. Don’t hit in the water hazards. It spooks the fish.

18. Chowder is supposed to be white. Don’t even think of asking for red chowder until you are somewhere safely south of White Plains.

19. All the boats in Maine point in the same direction because that’s what harbor Masters are trained to do.

Welcome to Maine - The Way Life Should Be