Terror Alerts Raised

Maybe our color-coded terror alert levels aren’t so bad after all…

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

Not to be left out of the fun, some of the newer European countries have also raised their alert levels. For example, little Estonia is currently at the “Pretend You Can’t See Them” level, increased from the “Speak In Estonian to Confuse Them” level. They have two higher levels: “Hide In The Forest” and “Beg Putin To Be Readmitted To Russia”.

On the other side, the terrorists have only two levels: “Yell, Bomb, and Shoot” and “Flee or Die When the Americans Arrive”.

Seems like Al Qaeda spends a lot of time at heightened alert these day…