Dog humor

The Doggy Dictionary

LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar, enabling you to lead your person where you want him/her to go.

DOG BED: Any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.

DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't. To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.

SNIFF: A social custom to use when you greet other dogs. Place your nose as close as you can to the other dog's rear end and inhale deeply, repeat several times, or until your person makes you stop.

GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.

BICYCLES: Two-wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards; the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.

DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person want them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.

THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end. Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.

WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes, and old candy wrapper. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your owner comes home.

SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa and wipe your whiskers clean.

BATH: This is a process by which the humans drench the floor, walls and themselves. You can help by shaking vigorously and frequently.

LEAN: Every good dog’s response to the command "sit!", especially if your person is dressed for an evening out. Incredibly effective before black-tie events.

BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.

GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require... especially effective when combined with The Sniff. See above.

LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.

Dog show humor

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DOG SHOWS

ANGULATION-Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.

BALANCE-How to arrange the checkbook so your spouse won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.

BITCH-(A)Name for a lady dog. (B)Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

COAT-The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

DAM-(A)A lady dog with children. (B)Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

ELBOW-Method of getting to ringside when late.

EXPRESSION-"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

FANCIER-Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

FEATHERING-What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FRONT-Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

HEEL-(A)What you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice. (B)Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

HEIGHT-As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 inch.

HOCK-A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

KENNEL-Where you go when the kids fight and your spouse yells at you.

LITTER-Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

MASK-What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

MUZZLE-What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

NOSEPRINTS-Cute marks left all over your French doors.

OUTCROSSING-What your spouse tells the minister that you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

POINTS-Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

PUPPIES-Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)

Religious truths

Muslims do not recognize Judaism as a religion.

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian Faith.

Mormons do not recognize each other in the Liquor store.

Catholic humor

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, Father, me dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature." Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough todonate to them for the service?" Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn`t ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone, and the caller says "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?"
"It is"
"This is the IRS. Can you help us?"
"I can"
"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"
"I do"
"Is he a member of your congregation?"
"He is"
"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?"
"He will".

Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
"I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."
Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"
Man: "What sins?"
Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"
Man: "I'm Jewish."
Priest: "Why are you telling me all this?"
Man: "I'm telling everybody."

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. "I'm 90 years old," he says. "90!" replies the woman. "Don't you realize you've had it?" "Oh, sorry," says the old man. "How much do I owe you?"

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!" and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked him. "I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator. "What are you doing in there?" the husband asked. "I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied. And where are your clothes?" asked the husband. The man looked down at himself and said,... "Those little bastards."

Estonia in Iraq

As many of you know, I have a lot of friends in Estonia, made through my 10+ years of working with software development teams there. Several of these friends are interested in world politics, and I have a spotty correspondence with them on such topics. Iraq has been one of the key topics, and by-and-large my Estonian friends' attitude resembles that of our angry left — they're convinced we went into Iraq to get the oil, Bush is stupid, and so on. The familiar rant.

So I've been halfway expecting that they're representative of their country, and that as a result Estonia would withdraw their contingent of soldiers from Iraq. Ah, perhaps you didn't know there were Estonians in Iraq? Been listening to too much TV, or reading the New York Times? The Estonians have been at our side since the invasion. Their numbers are small in absolute terms, to be sure (55 soldiers, currently) — but in relative terms, that's actually a fairly large contingent. In terms of relative populations, that's equivalent to over 1,000 American soldiers — but relative to the sizes of our military forces, the Estonians are actually fielding a higher percentage, as their military forces are quite modest in size, as is befitting the small size of their country.

But as you can see in the news story I've posted in its entirety below, the Estonians are not withdrawing. They've just "re-upped" for another year. Hooray for them! It's possible that my "sample" of friends is not representitive (most of them happen to be ethnic Russians, and they are a minority in Estonia), or it could be that the politicians are simply doing the right thing. Whatever the reason, I applaud the Estonian government for standing tall at our side in Iraq.

TALLINN, March 10 (Itar-Tass) -- The Estonian government has decided to extend for another year the stay of its military contingent in Iraq. This decision has been made in response to the request of the head of the Iraqi interim government and is prompted by the need to continue the process of stabilization and construction of a democratic state in Iraq.

Some 55 Estonian servicemen now stay in the Persian Gulf area. Their stay expires on June 20, 2005. Under the government’s decision there will be 15 men less in the new shift. This reduction in the numerical strength is due to the fact that the Estonian military will no longer handle the cargoes for Iraq arriving at the airfields in Kuwait, Qatar and Bahrain.

The government’s decision needs parliament’s endorsement. The decision will most probably be supported by the majority coalition, which holds 58 sets in parliament out of the 101. A considerable part of the opposition has earlier supported the majority on this matter but the number of those opposed to Estonian presence in Iraq has been on the rise of late since two Estonian soldiers were killed in Iraq last year.

Those of you who were conscious before the fall of the Soviet Union might be a little amused by the "TASS" in the dateline. My, how our world has changed!

Lend-Lease

I've always been struck by the political aspects of the Lend-Lease program. Essentially it was a way to put a palatable (politically) face on the need for the U.S. to support Britain and its allies in what we know today as World War II. At the time, the President (Franklin Roosevelt) and a sufficient number of senators and congressmen understood the need well enough to get Lend-Lease passed — but the majority of Americans were dead-set against taking a position in the "European war". In fact there was considerable support for the Germans and Italians, including (sound familiar?) by a panoply of celebrities — "Lucky" Lindbergh and not a few Hollywood stars amongst them.

Until Pearl Harbor, President Roosevelt took a lot of heat for having instigated and signed Lend-Lease. On that December 7, however — just like a certain Septemeber 11 sixty years later — public opinion swiveled about and all the public clamor faded away.

It's worth a good ponder about the behavior of societies. Consider that with hindsight Lend-Lease was, quite literally, a life-saver for the Allies of World War II (and that would include the U.S.). Further consider that if it wasn't for the courage and (dare we say it?) arrogance of a single individual — I mean President Roosevelt — it would never have happened. Think about the consequences if it had not happened...many historians believe the outcome of the war might well have been different. We might be living under the swastika-and-stripes, with a rising sun on the side...

Wikipedia has a good introduction to Lend-Lease, for those of you who are not familiar with it.

Quote for the day

Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then - we elected them.

   Lily Tomlin