Dog show humor

EVERYTHING YOU WANTED TO KNOW ABOUT DOG SHOWS

ANGULATION-Degree to which dog handlers will bend over backwards to impress the judges.

BALANCE-How to arrange the checkbook so your spouse won't know how much money you spent on dog shows last month. Usually done in the bathroom with the door locked.

BITCH-(A)Name for a lady dog. (B)Name often overheard at dog shows, not always to describe a lady dog.

COAT-The hairy covering of a dog that usually falls out about one week before the Specialty show.

DAM-(A)A lady dog with children. (B)Expression frequently overheard at dog shows as losers leave the ring.

ELBOW-Method of getting to ringside when late.

EXPRESSION-"Sweet" look adopted by dogs while staring ravenously at chunks of liver.

FANCIER-Degree to which some gentlemen handlers dress more than others.

FEATHERING-What winners are accused of doing to judges' nests.

FRONT-Part of the dog often stacked toward the outside of the ring.

HEEL-(A)What you feel like when your dog beats the one you had just sold to an eager novice. (B)Expression often screamed to attract the attention of deaf dogs.

HEIGHT-As in "Maximum Allowed," a measurement which all champions fall under by AT LEAST 1/8 inch.

HOCK-A way of financing your dog shows by the use of jewelry such as wedding rings.

KENNEL-Where you go when the kids fight and your spouse yells at you.

LITTER-Trash left all over the building and parking lot after a dog show.

MASK-What to wear when you have to show the pet you sold six months ago.

MUZZLE-What to put on your kids at a dog show to prevent them from calling your competition what they overheard you call him last night.

NOSEPRINTS-Cute marks left all over your French doors.

OUTCROSSING-What your spouse tells the minister that you are doing out in the kennel with the dog and the bitch.

POINTS-Minute, invisible awards for winning which you cannot convince your spouse are more important than cash prizes.

PUPPIES-Small, dog like food-processing machines with the ability to stink up an entire house and collectively deafen a band of magpies (These creatures have not yet been perfected, as they come with a leaky system, and can also be dangerous to weak hearts and bank accounts.)